Don't Take It Personally

Last week, I reached out to a friend and didn’t hear back from her. For days. And in my mind, I started wondering if she was mad at me. What had I done to make her mad? What would I need to do to make it up to her? In my mind, I was at the center of her behavior. But in fact, she was just busy with her kids, college trips and starting to get ready for the holidays. I learned all that when I spoke to her and she apologized for not getting back to me. Made perfect sense, but I made a whole movie in my head about it!

When was the last time you took something personally? Do you remember the circumstance? Now that you’ve taken some time away from the whole thing do you feel the same charge? When we take things personally, we are effectively giving away our power to the other.

Here are 5 things I am doing to learn not to take things personally.

You are the hero of your own story

When you go to the movies, there is always a lead character, a hero, a leading lady. That character changes from one movie to the next. Now, imagine your life is a movie. In your life, you are like a main character in an ongoing story that keeps expanding and changing. Every time you take something personally, it means that you think you're the main character in someone else’s story. But truth is, you aren't.

If we are each our own movie, the main character changes as the movie and the story changes. You can only be the main character in your own movie, just like I can only be the main character in my own life.

People do for themselves, not against you

About 15 years ago, I left my previous job. I thought about it long and hard. I also thought about how they were going to take the news and what their reaction would be. But I couldn’t let it change my decision. When I delivered the news, I could tell my bosses felt like I was “doing something to them”. Except I wasn’t. I was leaving my job for one I believed would offer more opportunity for growth, was a completely different position and somewhere I felt I would be recognized for the job that I did.

When someone does something that makes you feel slighted or makes you angry, it is easy to forget that you are not the main character in their story. They are! It helps to remember that they are doing what they feel serves them best. In that moment, they do not think about what the impact might be for other. That might come in later, but I believe that is forgotten quite quickly. People move on, and so should we when we feel we’ve been slighted.

Try putting yourself in their shoes

How many times have I been on the road and either let someone in, and they didn’t say thank you (the nerve!) or gotten aggravated because someone’s in a hurry and cut me off! I used to get so mad! I would yell and make all kinds of *ahem* not-so-nice gestures. And one day, I realized “they don’t even realize they did anything wrong”. Here I was, getting all hot under the collar thinking that they purposely cut me off, only to see them go on their merry way without a second thought about what “they did”.

One of the things I started doing after that is try to remember the time when I drove home like a maniac because my step daughter was in the hospital. I did some really stupid stuff on that ride home. I cut people off, passed in non-passing lanes and I can only imagine what some people might have been thinking. But at the time, I wasn’t worried about that? All I could think of was getting to the hospital. Now, every time I get cut off, I wonder if they are having a similar emergency.

So, next time you are tempted to take something personally, try putting yourself in their shoes. Remember that they have their own demons, their own problems. They may be dealing with some stuff and unfortunately are taking it out on you. Show a little compassion. You called and left a voicemail, and they didn’t call you back immediately? Maybe they dropped their phone in the toilet! More often than not, there is a perfectly innocent and logical explanation. Don’t’ over dramatize and give the situation more importance than it deserves. It takes away the sting and the belief that the slight was done on purpose.

Work on your own confidence

I’ve been working for myself for about 9 months now. Although my family supports my decision, they still believe I’m half-crazy for walking away from the “security” of corporate. They ask me when I’m going back. They make recommendations with regards to how I invest in myself and my business. I know they mean well and if I wasn’t utterly convinced that I am doing exactly what I am meant to be doing and that I will succeed, I would get rattled. I would start questioning myself. Years ago, I would not have had the courage to do this because I didn’t believe I would succeed.

When we feel unsure about ourselves, it’s easy to imagine the worst. The more certain we are about who we are and what we are capable of, the less we get rattled by what other people say. Ever cross paths with your boss and they say “hey… I need to talk to you!” Does that cue the downward spiral and gets you wondering what you did wrong or what you didn’t do? When you are confident in your abilities, that’s less likely to happen.

Breathe & Let it go

So, what do you do about all this? It’s simple, though not easy. You take a deep breath to settle yourself and you let it go. You stop imagining worst case scenarios that will never come to light. How often have you been rewarded with the worst-case scenario you imagine coming to life? In my case, I can literally say never! So, take breath or two, or three and don’t give it more attention than it deserves. Most times, a comment is just a comment. What other people think or say should not matter anyway.

Move on to whatever bigger, better thing awaits you.

Final Thoughts

When you take something personally, you assume that the story is about you and what happened to you. But it never is. Now, avoiding taking things personally doesn't mean sucking up to cruel people. Being open and vulnerable is not the same as weakness and neediness. Not taking things personally is all about giving yourself the gift of peace of mind.