The Art of Building Trust

Have you ever been in a relationship where there is little to no trust? It doesn't feel good, does it? It feels like you have to be on the defensive all the time. It colors the lens through which you see the other person. 

We all know that trust is essential in all our relationships, both personal and professional. It is what allows us to open up and be vulnerable with others, and it's what helps us build strong, lasting relationships. But trust doesn't just happen overnight; it takes time and courage to trust someone completely.

It is a bit like a dance, where both parties learn to share and receive, thereby slowly building trust over time. Have you ever watched professional ballrooms dancers go through a routine together? They step back and forth in unison. One guiding the other with simple hand pressures and hip movements. When they first start dancing together, that ease and trust is not there. You wouldn't expect the female partner to allow her lead to throw her around like a ragdoll without first establishing a foundation of trust.

The same goes with our relationships. Before we reveal more of ourselves, before we engage on a more meaningful level with others, we have to lay that foundation. Trusting someone implies vulnerability. We don't allow ourselves to show our soft underbellies just to anyone. We take time to build the right relationships, so we feel safe when we decide to do it.

When we trust someone, we're more likely to share information and ideas with them, to be open to their suggestions, and to feel confident working with them. The thing is that while building trust takes time, losing trust in someone can happen with a snap of the fingers. It can be as simple as one wrong word. So how do we build and maintain trust? Here are 7 things you can do to help create trust in your relationships:

1. Be Honest

Trust is built on honesty. If you can't be honest with someone, then it's impossible to trust them and for them to trust you. Being honest about what you feel, what you see and what you believe achieves two objectives: 1. it gives others a compass point, an anchor. It lets them know where you stand and gives them the roadmap for how to interact with you. 2. It also gives them the opportunity to be honest themselves. When we open the door and role model what we expect from other people, they are likely to play that back to us.

Everyone has the right to decide whom they trust with their own information, so trust is a mutual thing that you both need to work at. If someone doesn't trust you with certain information, don't take it personally; instead, find new ways to build those bridges and show them they are worthy of your trust.

While being honest is foundational to building trust, nothing erodes trust faster than lying, whether that is outright lying, or lying by omission. So, if you are ever in a situation where you are tempted to not tell the (whole) truth about something important, imagine yourself in the other person's shoes. How would you react if you were in the same situation? No-one likes when others are not truthful, so honesty really is the best policy.

2. Don't Gossip

To establish trust with someone, you have to believe in the sanctity of the space between the two of you. And it extends beyond that. When someone shares something about someone else, you are under no obligation to share it with anyone else. The buck stops with you!

It's kind of the "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" of relationship building. If someone bares their souls to you, don't use it as a weapon to hurt them with.

While some people are gossip mongers, is that how you want the people in your circle to see you?  As someone who can't be trusted? As someone who has no respect for privacy? When you violate that privacy, you destroy the confidence people have placed in you. You also can develop a less than flattering reputation.

3. Keep Your Word and Be Consistent

It can be hard to trust someone when they behave one way with you but differently around other people. People are usually more comfortable being themselves around those they trust, so if someone is being being cagey or keeping their feelings to themselves, it's probably because they don't trust you enough yet. Be consistent in your actions and be yourself around the people you care about, and trust will naturally develop.vPeople trust those who are true to their word. So, when you say you're going to do something, do it. When you commit to something, stick to it. When you show up consistently and reliably people learn that they can trust you.

It doesn't mean stuff doesn't come up, that life doesn't like to throw us a curve ball from time to time. When that happens, be honest and share with people that although you had committed, you exceptionally have to break your word. When you've build a strong foundation of trust, it won't change anything. But if you have not, it can erode what you are trying to build.

When you repeatedly don’t keep your word and are continually inconsistent, you risk losing the trust of the people you interact with, and trust once lost can take a long time to regain. The initial breaking of trust creates an insecurity in the relationship and when you consistently fail to show up for someone who you have committed to, then that trust can be irreparably broken. This doesn't mean however, that trust cannot be reestablished. It simply takes more effort to demonstrate trustworthiness going forward. Because you are not starting from a blank slate. You are starting from a place of hurt and disappointment. So, when trust is violated, trustworthiness has to be communicated in a way that it can be heard.

4. Take Responsibility For Your Mistakes

There is no need to be afraid to admit when you're wrong - no one is perfect! We all make mistakes. When trust is broken, the trust violator has to show humility. They have to be able to say "I know I screwed and I'm sorry. You may not trust me anymore, but I will do everything I can to make it up to you and show you otherwise." If they are too prideful - if they refuse to take responsibility for what they've done - then trust will never be re-established between them and the other party.

Of course, everyone makes mistakes. And it is part of trustworthiness to acknowledge them so they can be corrected. If you have trust, you have nothing to cover up or hide because it only works if everyone is being honest with one another.

5. Show Empathy 

Being there with an open heart and an ear to listen to someone who is going through a difficult moment, is a great way to strengthen the trust you have built with that person. When you show empathy, you create a safe space for people to share what they are going through. You give them outlet to evacuate their pain. Remember, you may be the only one in their circle to do that. Many times, when people share, they are doing so because that simple act of kindness helps them to empty their bucket, so they can regenerate the strength they need to deal. Just being there for them while they work through stuff without judgement or criticism is all that is needed at that moment in time.

This happened to me this week. I was having a particularly difficult day and my BF gave me the space to share my fears, ugly tears and all. He created a container that allowed me share the burden so I didn't feel like I was going through this alone, even though I am the only one that can take responsibility for dealing with it. Having that safe space, makes me confident that I can deal with anything because I know he will listen without judgement and reassure me of my own ability to figure it out.

6. Show Respect

Let's be honest. We won't always agree with everything and everyone around us. Case in point, look at what is going on in America today. There is a huge amount of distrust, even within the sanctity of families. Being able to respect each other's feelings and opinions goes a long way in establishing trust. Strive to respectfully disagree with someone you trust.

It is also important to respect other people's privacy. When someone trust you with their innermost feelings, keep that to yourself. There is no need to go digging and asking questions simply to satisfy your own need for information or being “in the know. People will share what they are ready to share. Don't pry into their lives and especially do not share information that is not yours to share.

7. Be Patient and Be Present

Trust is built when we are fully present with the person we are interacting with. When our attention is divided, when we are multi-tasking, or when we are thinking about something else, we are not really there with the other person. We are not giving them our full attention even though that is what trust requires.

People appreciate it when you listen to what they have to say, so make sure you really focus on the person who's talking. Let them know that they have your full attention by making eye contact and asking questions. This will help build trust because others will feel like they can trust you with their thoughts and feelings.

Trust can't be rushed. It takes time. Be patient, be present, and be authentic. If you can do those three things, trust will eventually blossom.

Final Words

Building trust takes time and effort, but it's definitely worth it. When we trust someone, we open ourselves up to a world of possibilities; we allow them into our lives (and us into theirs) and give them the chance to help us grow. So, be courageous and vulnerable, and trust will follow.

What have you done to foster an atmosphere of trust with those around you? I'd love to hear what some of your tips are, so feel free to share!