How to Set Boundaries That Stick

How many times have you set boundaries with someone, and they completely ignored them? It's frustrating, isn't it? And often leads to us feeling like we're not worth anything. In this blog post, we're going to talk about how to set boundaries that actually stick.

If you want to be successful, you need to learn how to set boundaries. Boundaries allow us to protect our time and energy so that we can focus on what is important to us. They also help us maintain healthy relationships by defining acceptable and unacceptable behavior. The key is that boundaries are about taking care of yourself because when your own cup is empty it is difficult to do for others.

Types of Boundaries

There are different types of boundaries, including:

• Emotional – what you will tolerate from other people
  • Do you have that family member who knows exactly how to push your buttons?
• Physical – refers to your body, physical space, and privacy
  • Not a hugger? That’s cool. You shouldn’t have to hug if you don’t want to.
• Financial – it’s your money and you do with it as you please
  • Setting a budget is a great financial boundary. Now all you have to do is stick to it!
• Time – how much time you are willing to give to any given things
  • Ever have someone walk into your office asking if you have “just 5 minutes for a quick question” and it turns into a 1 hr discussion, and now you haven’t tackled your own task list?
• Intellectual – those certain topics which are off limits because the discussion always devolves
  • Politics? Religion? Pick a topic. We all have one or more.

So, how do we set boundaries that stick? It starts with understanding why we find it difficult to say no. Then, we must be clear about what we want and need and once we know, it’s all about implementing our new boundaries until they become second nature!

Why It's Difficult to Say No

There are a few reasons for this: First, we might feel like we can't say no because we don't want to be perceived as selfish. As women especially, it’s in most of our DNA to be caretakers, givers and nurturers. When someone asks us for something, it pulls at us to want to support and help. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But things gets a little distorted and out of balance when we ignore our own desires for the sake of helping others. Setting ourselves aside for someone else is OK from time to time. We all have emergencies that happen throughout our lives, but when everything is an emergency all the time and helping starts to feel like an obligation, that’s your trigger that it’s either too much or too often and it is draining you energetically.

The second reason why we may find it difficult to say no is related to self-worth. We worry that if we say "no", the other person will no longer see the value we bring. But, only fair-weather friends will think that and those are not the people you want to surround yourself with.

The third reason is because we feel pressure from our family and friends, especially when they remind us of all the good things we've done for them in the past. We think that if we stop engaging in the behavior, then we'll be betraying their trust somehow.

Get Clear

So, we must get clear about what we want and need. How can you set boundaries if you do not know what you want and desire or if you don't know who you want to be?  Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. What do I want to be known for? What contribution would make me feel proud?
2. What areas in my life should I stop doing, start doing and keep on doing?
3. Who am I when no one is looking at me? When no one else is around, who do I want to be?
4. What are my limits, which ones are flexible and which ones are inflexible?
5. What am I willing to do for myself when no one is looking at me? When no one else is around, what do I value most in life?
6. What am I willing to let go of? What am I not willing to let go of?
7. What boundaries do I need to set with myself right now?

You have to be clear on what you are willing to do for yourself when no one else is looking. You need to figure out how to take care of you—even if sometimes you might not always want or feel like doing it. No one is going to live your life. You have to be happy with it!  People will try your boundaries. Whether you let them or not will depend on you living with integrity and owning our own power. If certain people or situations make you feel guilty or sad after saying no, then it's time to reevaluate if you are willing to put up with that or not. 

Live Your Boundaries

Lastly, we must implement our boundaries and show up. Even though we understand why something is important and why we want it to happen, actually living consistently with that new boundary might be a challenge at first. Don’t expect people to respect your boundaries if 1. you don't respect your own boundaries, 2. they don't know what they are or 3. see any effort from you about respecting theirs. Remember, a baby needs to understand how to walk before they can run, so you will falter at times when testing your new boundaries.

Let me be clear. It's not about saying "no" to everything. It's about being crystal clear about what gets a "yes" because that makes saying "no" that much easier.

So, practice saying "no" in a way that honors them while honoring ourselves at the same time. Boundaries are about respect and it's good for you to show up as a self-respecting adult. Setting boundaries shouldn't be about guilt, obligation or "shoulds" either. It shouldn’t feel like a sacrifice (no matter how "selfless" we might tell ourselves).

Final Words

Setting boundaries can be a difficult exercise if you’re not used to it. Start with small things. Then go bigger. I liken it to breaking in a new pair of shoes. At first you may feel a bit uncomfortable. If you walk in them too long, you might get some blisters, but little by little they give, they stretch and then, they become your most comfortable, go-to pair of shoes. Don’t hesitate to stretch yourself by setting boundaries.

What are some boundaries you have set that have had a big, positive impact in your life?