5 Ways to Deal With the Trap of Perfectionism

It's hard for many women to think of progress in terms other than perfection. We're constantly striving for the perfect life: perfect body, perfect job, perfect kids. We’re told that we need to be the best, and if we don't measure up, we're worthless. This mentality has been drilled into us for centuries by our culture, family members, and even ourselves. As a result of this mindset, women often feel like they need to have everything together all the time in order to succeed in their careers or as mothers. But what if we were more focused on progress rather than perfection? What if we just tried to do our best every day and not focus so much on the result?

Today, I want to talk to you about Progress vs. Perfection. You may be thinking: "What's the difference?” Well, there’s a big one. Progress is about doing, perfecting, and moving on. Perfectionism is about never being satisfied with what we've done because it was never good enough in our minds.” Because of what we’ve been taught, perfection is something many of us try to achieve. I was raised in a house where we were taught to touch with our eyes and children were meant to be seen, not heard. Abiding by those two tenets meant that when we went out in public, we were being the perfect children. This idea of perfection, of seeming to be perfect to the world has remained with me most of my life and has always been a goal.  

But it's hard to be perfect all the time. This unattainable ideal can lead to unhappiness and feelings of inadequacy. It is the old adage that perfectionism kills dreams, prevents progress, and makes happiness impossible. If you want to make progress in your life, it's time for a shift of mindset.  We need to start believing that making small changes is better than trying to be perfect. And as long as those changes are moving us toward our goals, whatever those may be, then we are focusing on progress.

We are all flawed human beings with our own set of issues. We have insecurities about what others think or feel about us. We put pressure on ourselves because it’s a self-destructive cycle: we create unrealistic expectations for ourselves and when we don't reach them - which will inevitably happen at some point as humans - then there's disappointment, guilt and shame over not being perfect enough; sadness because nothing is good enough; emptiness from never feeling like anything was ever accomplished.

I love Brené Brown's take on the topic. She says that there is a difference between striving for excellence and perfection, and the difference is this: Striving for Excellence is inwardly driven, "I want to do the best I can for ME", whereas Perfection is outwardly driven, "What will people think?" That's absolutely brilliant! To hear more, check out this link.

Now that we know perfection isn't real and only exists in our own heads, how do we overcome this feeling of being stuck? Here are five tips on how to deal with perfectionism!

1) Accept that it’s okay not to be perfect

Our goal should be to be in a continuous state of self-improvement. As humans, we are strivers. We aim to be better, to reach the next goal. When we strive for perfection, we take away the whole point of what life is: to be fulfilled by overcoming shortcomings or achieving hard goals that helped us grow. It's also OK to make mistakes. It might seem counterintuitive at first but the more comfortable we become with our own imperfections, the more we will start experiencing healthy amounts self-confidence and an increased sense of personal worthiness while still striving for excellence! Not only does this mean less stress overall but also feeling happier about ourselves instead.

Exercise: Set a goal for yourself in one area of your life where you are looking to make some progress but have historically been struggling in. Focus on small changes, taking small steps to a better you. Don't try to go all in or bust. For example, if you've never had a consistent workout routine, avoid aiming for 7 days a week (because that would be perfection, right...?). Instead, opt for 3 times a week consistently, until you develop enough strength, stamina and pleasure in the activity to increase your frequency.

2) Be kinder to yourself

You are not alone in this struggle with self-love and acceptance. We often are our harshest critic. We all have a voice in our head that tells us we are not good enough, smart enough, skinny enough or pretty enough. So let's be gentle with ourselves. Here are some ways in which you can do that:

• Be an observer instead of a judge in your own life
  How do you like others judging you? Not so much, right? Why is it OK to judge yourself then...? By observing without emotion, we see things are they are and we can make improvements.
• Celebrate your wins!
  Don't downplay your achievements. We don't always give ourselves credit where credit's due
• Take some time for yourself
  I'm sure you've heard the phrase "self-care isn't selfish". You need to refill your cup, so you can give to others 
• Treat yourself to something nice, just because!
• Eat something healthy
  As Drew Carey once said, "eating crappy food isn't a reward... It's a punishment!"

Exercise: Write down a list of ways you can be kinder and gentler with yourself.

3) Focus on what makes you happy

Pretty self-explanatory. Here are some things you can do:

• Watch comedies with friends
• Go out to dinner with friends and enjoy a delicious meal
• Listen to music that makes your heart sing
• Take a nap

Exercise: Write down a list of things that make you happy!

The idea with these last two exercises is for you have to some strategies at your fingertips, so when you feel things going sideways, you can take charge and actively change your mindset.

4) Don't compare yourself to others

We have a natural tendency to compare ourselves with other women. It's easy to feel like we're not measuring up. We see the perfect hair, a gorgeous outfit, or an amazing body on Facebook or Instagram and think "I wish I could be that way." But what we don't see is how much time they spend getting ready each morning, how many times they've tried and failed before finally achieving success, or all of the negative self-talk in their head trying to keep them from reaching their goal. Stay in your own lane, with your eye on your goals and forget about the noise around you!

Exercise: As part of your Sunday Review, take out your journal and track the progress you made against your goals. If you didn't do as well as you wanted, be kind to yourself and readjust for the upcoming week. If you make the progress you set out to make, celebrate!

5) Take care of your mental health by practicing self-compassion, meditation, or talking with a therapist

It is important to take care of your mental health. A lot of people don't realize that the number one predictor of wellness and happiness is not a good income, a high-status job or any other external factor; it's how you treat yourself. So take some time to meditate, tap or practice mindfulness. And if you need to, talk to a professional who can help you suss out the root of your drive for perfection. There is nothing shameful about that.

This week, try focusing on progress over perfection and remember to appreciate your strengths. Accept that it's okay not to be perfect. Be kinder with yourself! Focus on what makes you happy and don't compare yourself or your achievements to other people's accomplishments. Lastly, always take care of your mental health so you have a positive outlook about what lies ahead! What will you focus on this week? Share your thoughts in the comments section below!